What it is to Breathe
by words end here
Summary: Silver centric oneshot; Silver/Ethan, brief mentions of Dixon/Silver. You don't run unless you're running from something or someone. Silver learns that sometimes, it's not about reaching the finish line.


**A/N: **Oh Silver, don't try to fool us. You were breathing just fine when Ethan kissed you. Remember when you left your sweet boyfriend to chase after Ethan? Good times. Hey show, bring back Dustin Milligan and get back to those glory days when Dixon just stood there with an expression of confusion on his face, Silver was too fierce for him and Ethan had a pair! (Although I am loving the trio.) The soundtrack would be either 'Breathe (2AM)' by Anna Nalick or 'I'm outta time' by Oasis. Reviews are always nice - I want all your rants/comments/criticisms.

**Spoilers; 2x01, To new beginnings!**

**What It Is To Breathe**

'_Cause if I had to go,_

_In my heart you grow,_

_And that's where you belong._

_-Oasis, 'I'm outta time'_

--

She tells herself that if it's limited to texting and phone calls filled with silence, it's okay.

The day after the prom, they're all too hung-over to even function. Silver calls Annie to ask where she disappeared off to, and she get's more than what she expected. Much more. She called the cops on Naomi's party – and Silver is taken aback by _herself _when she remembers its Annie she should be consoling, Annie who should be striking the sympathetic chords, because it's Silver and Annie. At least it was Silver and Annie. It's often said we just don't recognise those pivotal moments in our lives, and its twelve thirty one when Silver comes to the realization that she had one of those last night. Several of them, if she's honest with herself. She knows she lost herself this year, and it's time to regain that honesty back. Her life was so much simpler when she just told the truth concerning everything, not caring who liked it.

The issue is, when Dixon texts Silver the minute after Ethan does, she doesn't know what the truth is anymore.

Or rather, she's just afraid of it. The sheer fear paralyzes her as she reads their messages. She doesn't respond to either.

She always thought the oh-so clichéd love triangles only existed in fiction.

Wrong last night, wrong choice of boyfriend, wrong now.

So she continues to lie to those around her and to herself. At this point, what's another lie? Before, she was simply an outsider looking in, observing and mocking the game with all its chess pieces. Now she's in. She's so in she knows she'll never get out. She doesn't think she has what it takes to win, because she's not as perfect or pristine as anyone else in this town, she knows that all too well.

It's a good thing Silver believes that people's rough edges are what make them beautiful.

Because as of now, she doesn't have one single straight edge.

* * *

They're going to freakin' summer school.

"I don't understand why you had to do this," Silver complains as Annie lounges on her bed, pale for a girl who lives in California and looking completely drained. "I get that you were angry, but this was between you and Naomi and no one else. Now we're all paying for it."

Still no sympathy from Silver.

She doesn't even know why she visited Annie. She didn't like the risk of a confrontation with Dixon, but here she is, not knowing. Not knowing how to manage any of this, just taking it all as it smacks her across the face. Ethan's kiss, Dixon suddenly wanting their situation to majestically revert to how it all was and Annie landing them all in summer school.

"I'm sorry," she growls in response, her palm on her forehead, "I was drunk, angry and I know it was the wrong thing to do but I wasn't thinking."

"If you were thinking I wouldn't be here." She remarks, more than bitter. She didn't intend to let that little snide comment slip, but to hell with good intentions.

Annie suddenly becomes more serious (you didn't think that was possible, did you?) and props her head on her hands. Her face is pained and Silver can read the girl in those few seconds that their eyes lock, her anatomy laid bare.

Annie did something.

But Silver doesn't question, because she did something too. Instead, silence says all that they have to say.

"I should go. I'm only angry and you don't deserve to be my punch bag."

"You're always angry." Annie smirks, "And I'm always your punch bag. I know I was wrong to do it –

"So did you? Did you sleep with Liam?" Silver counters, standing at the door, ready to leave.

Before just telling her, Annie steals herself.

"What do think? Tell me. Be honest."

Silver has to control herself just not to chuckle.

She doesn't say anything, her eyes brimming with doubt and pity, she nods and then says, "Annie, we've all been on self-destruct recently..."

"I can't believe you think I –

"Annie, if you didn't we wouldn't be here. You know that just as well as I do." Silver tells her, all-knowing.

"You're right. I don't deserve to be your punch bag."

And that's that.

(Except it's anything but over.)

* * *

"Talk about a night to remember." Naomi slides over to Silver like its instinctual, like they're thirteen again and everything is in the right place. Adrianna is nowhere to be seen and Silver remembers the girl just gave birth. She raises an eyebrow – she might not be a fully fledged member of team Annie, but she not exactly the chairperson of Naomi's fan club either.

"What are you doing?" Is all Silver can summon the strength to say.

They both pause as their peers flood into the classroom and the look is conflicted, tortured.

"I'm being sorry." Naomi replies. It's one of those rare moments of vulnerability and Silver shakes her head.

"It's too late." But it's not. Never was. Never will be. Some doors are just left gaping open, unable to be closed.

Naomi smiles, but it's not the impish grin. "We're all hurt together. I think we should heal together. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but our friendship was long ago and far away, but it doesn't disappear."

For a second, Silver wonders if Naomi knows, because Naomi knows everything, and she can't tell which one she's talking about, their friendship or Ethan.

Perhaps it's both.

She knows it is when Naomi invites her to accompany her visiting Ade.

It's the start of something new tinged with the feeling of coming home again. These three; alone, finding their family in each other. Everything clicks into place, like they've picked up where they left off all those years ago. Silver's given everyone else in her life a second chance, including Dixon and Annie, so she decides to extend the same gesture to Naomi and Adrianna. Maybe, it's enough.

* * *

He doesn't send her a text all day.

Nothing. He hasn't been attending summer school either.

He's gone already; she feels the space where he's missing.

Kelly does her job of being the big sister, except she doesn't know how to deal with silence. Silver's not usually one for disguising how she feels, she was often outspoken. Kelly misses that presence, but at this point she can't even coax the girl out of her room. It's frightening.

"Let's go out for dinner," She addresses her fragile sister in a gentle manner, "where do you want to go?"

"I'm tired and not hungry." She growls in response.

There's never been one moment in Kelly's life where she's felt less powerless than this. There is truly nothing she can do. The helplessness is so cold; she can almost feel it penetrate through her as her eyes land on her little sister.

"You're going to have to start living again, Silver. And when you do, I'll be here. Just talk to me. There's nothing ever so bad that it's beyond repair." She encourages.

"I'll talk to you when I'm ready to." The reply isn't sassy or sarcastic, just earnest.

"Okay." It's pathetic she knows, but there's not a lot she can do here. One more fall and it might be the last.

* * *

She finally ventures out of the house when all her fears rear their head again.

"Hey."

It's him. It's him and his stupid dark eyes that draw you in, him being ridiculously good looking yet not conceited about it. It's him and he had her at _hey._

"Hey." She greets, awkward being an understatement.

"I was about to start throwing rocks at your window but this is much more...convenient I guess." A smile curls on his lips and it's the first time Silver smiles all summer.

"Trust me, there's nothing convenient about this, sugar." She cringes internally, thinking she just sounded like Sawyer from Lost or something.

"You're right." He concedes, approaching Silver. She feels the moment about to arrive again, but she can't. She doesn't know what she is to anyone anymore, to Dixon, to Ethan or to herself.

She strokes a lock of dark hair behind her ear self-consciously. He digs is hands in his pockets, all the ideas of the ideal thing to say swirling around in his head, just not able to concentrate them in a coherent sentence.

Instead they walk, not knowing where they're going. They're just with each other.

"We shouldn't be here, doing this." She confesses.

"You're right again, but here we are. Silver I can't be your other guy. I can't sit back and watch you and Dixon be the perfect couple; I don't think I could –

"Could what? Ethan I can't be with either of you right now. A few nights ago you betrayed your friend and I betrayed my boyfriend. Look at us! We're messes. We couldn't be together –

"We're together right now, intentionally or not –

"Ethan I –

He silences her by putting his hand over her lips. Initially it's serious, but they can't help but laugh at how juvenile it all is. They're still allowed to be young.

"At the Prom, I could barely _breathe _watching you two together. And he doesn't even love you for who you are, Silver, he wants someone to be his ordinary girlfriend. You're extraordinary. And I want everything, I want all of you."

But she's just not ready to give herself away.

"I know you – no we're far from ready, but I don't think we're supposed to be." He adds, seeing straight through her.

For a minute, she can see it. She and Ethan could be ridiculously happy together, because they didn't even have to be together to make each other happy. It's the random exchanging of advice; their friendship and the kiss that can make her feel happy, really happy. Any bumps in the road can be smoothed over. _There's nothing so bad that it's beyond repair._

Believing in this, if only for once, she captures his lips with hers.

They part, foreheads still lingering on each others, and she feels like she's physically falling apart.

"What was that for?" He asks, breathless.

She doesn't know, instead lets the words flow, "Dixon and I...we don't have whatever I feel whenever I'm around you. I can't describe it. He's sweet and together and then I look at you and I feel so dismantled..."

"What was that?" He repeats, imploring reassurance.

Silver pauses. Something's about to shift, she senses it.

She's teetering on the edge of falling into his arms or walking away. She knows whatever she chooses will set the tone for whomever the main guy in her life will always be.

"That was our goodbye kiss."

Before having the time to complicate matters any further she turns around and walks away, and she swears she hears him murmur _you don't mean that._

Because they can't. They can't mean it. There's nothing like the twilight of Beverley Hills to be a more fitting backdrop for unrequited love.

* * *

Amongst it all, there are two girls who understand Silver without having to say a word.

Summer school is close to ending, Dixon finds himself falling for Silver all over again – he's missed her spunky presence and everything else really. He understands their differences all too well, but relationships took work, didn't they? And it wasn't as if Silver promised to be simple.

Montana. Freakin' Montana. He's gone and he's not coming back and he won't budge from her brunette head.

Initially, telling Naomi about Ethan was at the bottom of the list. But that girl knows everything about everyone, and Silver can't help but smile at the irony when she thinks of how the only person Naomi was ever oblivious too was her first boyfriend. And to this day, Naomi keeps a little bit of Ethan all to herself, she was always possessive. Sometimes that repelled people, but most of the time it was actually endearing. And these days, Naomi is particularly possessive over her girls.

"Dixie's been following you around with that I'm-so-sickeningly-in-love look on his face," Naomi chirps as they head in for their last day of imprisonment, looping her arm through Silver's the way only a best friend can, "You two should get together already. I mean seriously, he loves you for _you_. Not a lot of girls can say that."

Silver rolls her eyes for literally the thousandth time in Naomi's presence, "Dixon has this idea of what I could be. I wasn't good for him before, I doubt it'll be different the next time."

"See," Naomi replies with a raised eyebrow, "You and Dixon are that couple who always have a next time."

Naomi strides into the classroom like the Queen she is when Silver checks her cell.

_I'd come back if you told me to. – E_

_You know that I know that you wouldn't. So come back, I have a feeling I'll be waiting forever, jock-ass. – S_

* * *

The last day of summer changes everything, in that everything reverts to how it was.

Naomi is cheated on, no-drama-Adrianna is just as real as Harry Potter and Silver's still conflicted over just about every aspect of her life.

But they make it. Somewhere along the way, they gather the strength it takes to make it.

Ethan has yet to reply, but she's done with expectations.

At least if she lets her eyes rest on Dixon for long enough she thinks she is.

* * *

They break up and make up and break up again.

Kissing Dixon felt like being smothered with something, Silver likes to think its love but his expectant eyes still see a contrived image of someone else. He doesn't see Silver. He see's a spunky girl who should love him enough to tame her wild ways.

She is spunky. She is a free spirit. And Dixon finally realises it when he hears the golden boy and the spunky free spirit _just can't let go._

And so it's over once again, amidst the arrival of a conventionally cute guy (Silver can't go for the whole blue eyed blond hair thing anymore), Navid and Ade reminding her more of Nathan and Haley from One Tree Hill with every passing day and Naomi falling apart on an almost daily basis only to piece it all back together again.

Silver's heart does not break. But she'll tell her friends _"I have to win him back!" _anyway, because that's just what Dixon is; a trophy. And when she wins the trophy, she'll finally have proof that her life isn't as empty as it feels.

* * *

Exactly three weeks after Dixon is apparently done, Silver finally wins her award.

And yet, she's in no mood for celebration.

It wasn't even really forced. She had been helping Annie a lot throughout the 'sext' scandal - all the while maintaining her friendship with Naomi and Adrianna. She doesn't know how she's done it.

When Dixon grabs her hand, kisses her cheek, anything intimate at all, she doesn't know how she let this happen and it all feels so estranged, this is not her life. It's someone else's.

She's back where she started.

* * *

So it's only fitting _he _arrives between them just as swiftly as he intervened the first time around.

At nine in the morning the tanner version of Charlie's Angels arrive at West Beverley High – Liam is pestering Naomi as usual, sometimes he'll give her gifts, sometimes the only gift given is a verbal assault by Naomi, but of course, some things will never change.

Adrianna grabs Silver's arm alarmingly, a grip so tight she has to pull herself from Ade.

Some things will never change and then, others are continually altering.

"Silver how about we –

Dixon interrupts with Navid in tow, taking Silver's hand. She smiles her hey-my-sweet-boyfriend-of-course-I'm-so-deeply-in-love-with-you smile and maybe, for a second, she thinks of what she and Dixon could have been. So much more than the couple that makes sense together. She wants someone who looks like they'd elope with her, who'd write her love letters and stand outside her window. She wants a crazy love like that, because let's be honest, the girl is crazy.

As they navigate their way through the sea of tanned blond people, she finally finds something she needed all along.

And when her blue locks with Ethan's brown, that's it. _This _is it.

Dixon's hand is dropped.

She runs over to him the way she's been running all summer and flings her arms around him with such force he is almost toppled to the ground.

"I came back from Montana, you told me to -

"I know. I know." It's the first fact she's sure of for the first time in what feels like years.

Cheeks flushed, eyes never tearing apart from each others, whispers scattered across the halls, she smiles her I-can-finally-_breathe_-since-the-last-time-we-saw-each-other smile.

* * *

End.


End file.
